Adoption Decisions, Page 4

"Do we want to adopt independently or through an agency? "

The answer to this question depends upon where you live and what sort of adoption you want to do.... Adoption is state regulated, meaning that the process varies significantly from state to state. In some states, such as Massachusetts, you must work through a licensed adoption agency (however, should you wish to do a "parent initiated" adoption, where you locate the birthmother on your own , you may arrange this through an agency). As a result, there are agencies that offer a "soup to nuts" adoption process: they handle the homestudy, locate the birthmother, handle housing, counseling and legal costs. Alternatively, private adoption is common in other states, especially those that do not require agency involvement. For those adopting internationally, it is almost always advantageous to work through an agency. There is simply too much to consider in terms of immigration, foreign consulates and agencies, foreign orphanages etc. to attempt a "do it yourself" or "a la carte" arrangement.

With domestic adoption the following are advantages of agency adoption:
Those seeking an older child or a special needs child, need to contact an agency. These children are rarely placed independently. Agency adoption demands less participation on the part of adoptive parents. You will not need to put in a special phone line, to take calls on your own, to evaluate birthmothers and to arrange services for them if you are working with an agency. Agency adoptions offer "back up" during fall-throughs. Although the security of the agency does not erase the pain, it does help you sort through the painful aftermath of a fall through. Agencies will work hard to help families move on to a successful placement after a fall through. Agency adoptions generally offer somewhat of a predictable time frame. Although there are not guarantees in adoption, agencies know how many babies they are placing each month and can assess with you--based on your age, religion, desired child etc.--how long it is likely to take.

With domestic adoption, the following are advantages of an independent adoption:
Independent adoptions are attractive to those who cannot find an agency that they feel comfortable working with. In addition, they may be faster and less costly than agency adoptions (however, since they are less predictable, they may also take longer and involve higher costs).

"How do we feel about openness in adoption?"

As most people who are considering adoption know, there has been a dramatic shift in adoption in the last 20 years. While it was once very unusual for adoptive parents and birthparents to meet, exchange information etc., it is now commonplace in domestic adoption, for there to be some contact at the time of placement between birth and adoptive parents. The amount of contact and its duration can vary considerably. In some regions of this country, it is very unusual for the two sets of parents to exchange any identifying information. In other regions, people may agree to not only exchange information but to continue to see each other intermittently.

Independent adoptions tend to be more "open" than agency adoptions. The reasons for this are varied. For one thing, independent adoptions are often arranged by the parties involved: if you find your birthmother, you will have phone and most likely, in person, meetings with her. If the agency finds your birthmother, you may not meet her if she requests a more closed arrangement. In considering openness, it is crucial that prospective adoptive parents try to look to the future. Many are frightened by the idea of talking with birthparents, but recognize that these meetings can offer them a great deal. In addition to the reassurance that comes from knowing that your child comes from "good people," there is medical information and family history that will be very important to your child. However, at the same time that you come to appreciate the value of in person meetings and conversations, it is also crucial that you anticipate your future desire for privacy. You are likely to feel very close to the birthparents before, during and after your child's birth, but you may desire more "boundaries" as time goes on.

Those considering international adoption, should remind themselves that there will be few, if any, opportunities to meet or talk with birthparents. Although this may initially seem attractive and "safer," you need to know that your perspective on this may change as your child grows. Try to prepare yourselves for questions that you will have down the road as well as questions the child may ask. You may have many compelling reasons to adopt internationally, but avoidance of birthparent contact is unlikely to be--or remain--one of them.

The questions addressed here are central to the decision making in adoption. As you sift through them, it is likely that you will experience some conflicts, inside yourself as well as with your partner. For example, you may be convinced that domestic adoption is "the way to go" one day and then find yourself enchanted by a little Chinese girl. Or you may feel certain that you need a newborn but soon discover that you would be comfortable adopting a child of several months.

Deciding to adopt is probably the most complicated, challenging and permanent decision that you make in the course of your lifetime. It makes sense that you will struggle with the decisions and that questions will continue to unfold as you make your way through the process.

© Ellen Sarasohn Glazer, LICSW