In considering adoption, prospective adoptive parents face several critical decisions. Needless to say, the biggest decision is whether to adopt at all. This article will assume that readers have answered "yes" to this first question and will address those that are likely to follow. They include:

"Am I (or are we) ready to adopt?"

"Do I/we want to pursue more infertility treatments or perhaps complete other life goals before adopting?"

"Do we want to adopt domestically or internationally? And the closely related question:

"Do we want to adopt a same race baby or are we interested in transracial adoption?"

"Do we want to adopt an infant or an older child?"

"Do we want to adopt through an agency or independently?"

"How do we feel about openness in adoption?"

"Are we ready to adopt? "

Since many prospective adoptive parents approach adoption with a history of infertility or pregnancy loss, adoptive decision-making often begins in the midst of treatment. You begin to ask yourselves "when is enough, enough?" and to contemplate ending treatment after one or two or.....more cycles. Similarly, those who suffer repeated pregnancy losses may attempt to put a limit on the number of losses they are able to endure.

When you are considering adoption, you should not put pressure upon yourself to move forward. Adoption is not a race. Many of the most enthusiastic adoptive parents are those who moved most slowly in making the decision. They reminded themselves that the adoption time clock ticks a whole lot more slowly than the biological clock. They also reminded themselves that they would not be able to truly embrace adoption if their hearts were still focused on pursuing pregnancy.

Do I/we want to pursue more infertility treatments or perhaps complete other life goals before adopting?"

Having said this, there are several reasons that people do decide that it is time to move on to adoption. Some of these reasons are based upon guidance from their minds and others, upon guidance from their hearts. Guidance from the mind.

The high costs of medical treatment and of adoption force some to look carefully at how many additional treatment cycles they can afford and still have the resources for adoption. Some people end treatment because adoption is "a sure bet" and pregnancy is not.

A second reason for ending treatment before one feels truly ready is advice (or insistence) from a physician. Some reach a point when their physician tells them that it makes no sense to continue treatment. Although this is difficult--if not devastating--to hear, it does help people gain some closure and feel more prepared to move on.

A third reason for ending treatment involves concerns about the physical or emotional toll that it is having. You may decide to move on because you are afraid to take additional fertility medications or because you feel that the continued disappointments are taking too much of a toll on your marriage/career/self esteem.

Guidance from the heart

Many people decide to end fertility treatment because adoption finally feels right. This may come when a friend adopts or when you suddenly find yourself longing for a little girl from China. Ironically, many who deeply longed for a biological child are surprised at how attractive adoption becomes to them.

For couples considering adoption, the decision must be one that is made together. However, it is a rare couple that arrives at the decision simultaneously. Most often, one person is ready to adopt long before the other. Patience, understanding and open discussions help people arrive at the same place. When you find that you are both there--and it may take a long time to feel this way--you can feel prepared to move forward.

© Ellen Sarasohn Glazer, LICSW