It's the Children's Right, Join in the Fight

Adopting & Fostering Teenagers
Better Futures for Waiting Children
Boarder Babies, Abandoned Infants, and Discarded Infants
It's the Children's Right, Join in the Fight
Should We Photolist Waiting Children?

Waiting Child Photolisting

Four years ago, my wife and I adopted 2 brothers, Johnny and Dustin, through the Adams County, Colorado department of children and family services. People we meet are constantly telling us they can't believe we adopted our kids "through the county."

The phrase is used in such a way as to imply that we must have crossed into a forbidden land somewhere, and dipped into a terribly tainted gene pool. The insinuation is that we are certainly fortunate to have escaped with such "normal" children. We are constantly amazed at the perception people have of kids who enter the social services programs, and of the foster care system in general.

Over the years, the foster care system has developed a bad reputation, based on many factors. One is the negative publicity about the kids who are lost in the system so long they develop all the classic syndromes and end up on prescription drugs and in therapy. Another is the growing number of kids who go into the foster care system and never get out. And the worst is the misperceptions of the foster care system and the belief that only "bad kids" end up in foster care. Most people think of foster children as "messed up ghetto kids" who are looking for just the right "benevolent" parents who are willing to devote their lives to helping these "special needs" children.

This perception does explain the reason so many people who want to adopt "normal" children choose to spend their life savings for lawyers and private adoption agencies, rather than taking advantage of the immense adoption systems, set up and run so effectively by so many government agencies. However, that perception and subsequent reaction only creates more problems.

Every year, thousands of children are either abused or abandoned by their "birth parents", (who are not really parents but merely womb donors and sperm donors) and subsequently end up in foster care. These are usually wonderful children who only need love and caring to have a fantastic and "normal" life.

The question I hear most often is: "Why, with so many good kids going into foster care, are so few adopted?" I have come to realize that there are several reasons for this:

1. The misperceptions of the foster care system itself. Most prospective parents do not want to adopt a "problem child" and few know how great most of these kids are.

2. Over emphasis (by courts and authorities) on getting them back with their genetic ties, rather than finding them a real family, until the children get so messed up that nobody wants them.

3. The length of time the children are in the system before they are adopted. (Caused by #1 and #2 above) Many children come into the system initially at an early age, and without the problems they have by the time they are finally (if ever) adopted. The longer they are in the system, the more problems they are likely to develop. Yet the length of time a child is in the system continues to get longer. The only thing they get better at is moving. Most foster children can pack everything they own in the world (toys, clothes, and all their worldly possessions) in a pillowcase, and usually do on a regular basis.

The problem with the foster care system is a vicious circle.

The longer kids are in the system the more problems they develop.
The more problems they have, the worse the reputation that foster care kids get.
The worse the reputation foster kids have, the fewer the number of people who adopt them.
The fewer people who adopt them, the longer kids have to stay in foster care. The longer kids are in the system the more problems they develop.
And so on, and so on......................

I believe that with better public awareness and the proper support and understanding from the right people; many of the problems, misunderstandings, and failures of the system can be resolved. The reason I believe this, is that ultimately (whether they know it or not) everyone has same goal in mind: the wellbeing of the children. A friend of mine is a grade school teacher. When a student of hers learned that one of her classmates was adopted, she asked: "What is adoption?" The little girl answered simply "It means you grew in your Mommy's heart, instead of her tummy". This profound answer explains so much more about adoption than most people can possibly understand. Not only does it explain how an adopted child feels about his or her parents, but it provides and amazing insight into whom the parents really are. Mommy and Daddy are not the people who donated the sperm and the egg. Mommy and Daddy are the people who love them, nourish them, and care for and about them. Until two things change, the wellbeing of the children will continue to be compromised.

My wife and I are continuing to campaign on two fronts to help these kids. The first is to try, whenever we can get an audience or a willing ear, to clear up the misconception of children available (and to be available) for adoption. So many good people want to adopt, but they never look to their county.

The second is to use any means available to change the archaic laws, which put so little emphasis on the children's rights. The reluctance to terminate "parental rights" is destroying far too many lives in this country. Until our judicial system realizes that the act of conception does not automatically give anyone the right to be a Mommy or Daddy. These titles must be earned. If they are not, no child's life is worth the time it takes to find out if an abusive or neglectful person can turn things around, and eventually become a parent. Few ever do, and the ones who do may start a family when they are ready to do so. In the meantime, the results of their first attempt at parenthood should be living a happy, productive life with real parents. We implore anyone who believes in children's rights, and adoption as a way to achieve them, to join us in these fights.

Sincerely,

Terry & Paula Bagby
Arvada, Colorado