You Don't Have to be Perfect and Other Adoption Myths, Page 2

Individuals who adopt are generally good people, but not because they've adopted. The reality is that most of us adopt for selfish reasons-- to create a family. We are not saviors. Adoption is not a favor that we do; we shouldn't be expecting any thank-you notes. Adoption, for many of us, represents a willingness to let go of our original dreams and take the risk that there might be other dreams worth having. What other people mistake as bravery or saintliness is really more like blind faith. We learn all we can about adoption, prepare as much as possible, and then take the leap. As likely as it is that someone will hold us in high stead for adopting, there will be those who disapprove of what we've done (especially if ours is a transracial adoption or an alternative family). Adoption is not for people who are risk aversive; no wimps need apply.

It's easy to talk about the wonderful gift adoptive parents have received from their child's birthparents, who have made an excruciating decision. But what doesn't often get talked about is the flip side of grateful-resentful. This feeling is most vivid for waiting adoptive parents who begin to resent how grateful they are supposed to be before they have what they are supposed to be grateful for. What gets construed as antagonism is really a feeling of desperation and powerlessness over a prolonged period of time. One couple described the process as "torturous, and brutal, and totally worthwhile." Believe it or not, there are some difficult emotions that come up from time to time even after adoptions are final. To compound the distress, there's the sense that we, as adoptive parents, shouldn't be having these feelings. We have feelings of disappointment because this isn't exactly how we thought our family would be; things will never be as simple for an adoptive family. And there's a certain sadness, too, for what might have been and because we weren't the ones to give birth to our children. There's a level of possessiveness, sometimes, because it's hard to loosen our grip after waiting so long and because we need to share our children at some level with their first families, even if we've never met them. Adoptive parents can also feel resentful that they are the ones who have to deal with the emotional fallout of adoption on their children. It's possible to adore our children, feel deep respect for birthparents-and still be in touch with the fact that adoption is bittersweet. There are contradictions like this throughout adoption. This grateful/resentful duality applies to all members of the adoption triad. Birthparents feel it and so do adoptees. In terms of our children's gratitude, forget it; they don't care how many hoops we've jumped through to get this far. Far from being appreciated for what we do on our children's behalf, adoptive parents can actually become the target for our children's anger because we contributed to making them different from the rest of their friends.

Those of us in obviously adopted families might as well wear a sandwich board proclaiming our infertility: "Sperm count, way low." Neither our story, nor our child's, though, is necessarily public. Our kids deserve to be told the whole truth -- but we don't need to tell the whole story to the whole world. It's okay to have public versions of private stories.

How much of our child's behavior is attributable to adoption? All adoptive parents have an added dimension to their parenting job. We need to sort out what's part of a child's normal development, what's part of a child's idiosyncratic behavior, and what's a problem. Sensitized to the emotional issues of adoption, adoptive parents tend to look for psychological meaning behind each of the quirky things our children do.

Adopted kids really want to be like everybody else, but they don't always feel that way. And why should they? They have two families, even if they don't know their birth families. They don't always look like their adoptive families and they don't always feel like they belong. There's an existence that isn't theirs, but could have been. It's incumbent on us, as parents, to acknowledge that it usually feels better to blend in than to stick out and then to create opportunities, if they don't already exist, for our sons and daughters to be in an environment where they can blend in.

There are lots of wonderful, well-meaning adoptive parents who are a whole lot more interested in adoption than their children are, at times. We're the ones who keep buying books and going to conferences, attending adoptive family picnics, homeland tours and culture camps. A child's interest in adoption may wane more than wax. There will be times when he or she doesn't want to talk about adoption, or when it is not the primary focus. Adoption never goes away, however, and it's up to parents to keep the discussion alive.

© Jana Wolff

Credits: Adoptive Families Magazine